Kevin McCarthy’s Mar-a-Logo Talk With President Trump

“Well, hello, there, Kevin. Can I get you anything — water, a fruit drink, soda, perhaps some booze? From the tone of your call yesterday, I seriously think you might need something strong to soothe your nerves. I mean, Kev, you’ve been saying some really, really nasty things about me. Like, I need to do what — step down, you say? I’m beginning to worry about you and some of your off the rail Republican friends in Congress — said I did all these terrible, horrible things on January 6th. What a load of crap.”

“Well, Mr. President, you ….”

“Sit down and shut up,” snarled the Donald, flashing hatred in his eyes, as his arms crossed hard against a flabby chest.

“You can’t talk to me like ….”

“I said shut up you traitorous piece of shit. screamed the larger man — arms suddenly uncrossing, he roughly pushed the GOP House leader into a large lounge chair in a wildly spinning motion.”

“What the hell, Donald,” the stunned visitor blurted out.

“Look, you maggot. Let me introduce you to the real world, not that pussy world you and your dipshits in Congress play at. Did you ever hear the saying that might makes right. Did you ever hear that, Kevin?” spit flying out of the president’s mouth and spraying the former House speaker, as the big man leaned down into his guest’s face.

“Look, I’m the God damned president of the United States, and I’m going to keep on being the president. Do you understand? I said do you understand.?”

Struggling to regain his composure McCarthy started to answer, but the president in full flow instantly cut him off again.

“I’m a tough son-of-a-bitch, Kev, and the nation’s other toughs love me for it. Do you know what that means, you horse’s ass?” Again not pausing for an answer Trump plowed on. “That means that one way or the other the rest of the nation’s wimps, like you, are going to do as I want them to do. I’ve got the guns and the muscle on my side. You do love your family and your own skin, don’t you, Kevin?” A quick breath and he continued. “A wink and a nod to my supporters and people get hurt, or they might even get lost, if you get my drift there, Kevin?

Finally, McCarthy, pulled himself perfectly upright and spoke firmly. “There’s such a thing as the law, Mr. President.

“Oh, Kevin, you naive prick, the law is slow — oh, so slow. Sure, the FBI can lock up and convict some of my lovable army, but for every one they lock up ten more will take their place. Look, Kevin. I have studied at the foot of some of the meanest mob lawers ever. I know what time it is — pal. That my — new — forever friend is reality. So I sincerely suggest you drop all this public hostility toward me and learn to play ball. I mean, Kevin, there is a giant militia of state and national political workers making sure that future elections go the right way. They adore me big time, Kevin, really, really big time. They desperately want the kind of honest government leadership that only I can deliver to them — the poor souls — right, Kevin. No more hoax bullshit. Got it!

Realizing that contradicting Trump in his present state of mind was hopeless, McCarthy decided to just let the president talk himself hoarse — if that were even possible.

“So it’s this way, Kevin. Maybe I won’t find a way to hold power this time — though I’m going to give it a terrific try — but by 2024 the stupid system will be adjusted, Kevin. You do know what I mean by adjusted, don’t you. Kev? No way will those thieving lib-shits ever steal from me again….

You know, there are some egghead basters that claim I don’t know much. Maybe they’re right, Kev. But I do know this. I know what makes the common man tick. I know what he loves and what he fears and hates. I know how to make him dance to my tune, and love it enormously. The snobs say I’m not well read. It’s partly true. But, Kevin, all I need to know is right there on Fox TV. Right! I did try reading the Bible once, but that’s the dullest mess of babble ever. But, Kevin my man, Trumpthere is one masterpiece of human insight I’ve keep beside my bedside forever. The author was truly the greatest mind ever when it comes to leadership techniques.. You ever read Mein Kampf, Kevin?”

McCarthy’s mind had begun to drift as Trump was droning on.

Kevin! The president reiterated in a loud demanding voice,I said, have you ever read Mein Kampf,”referring to Adolf Hitler’s bigoted political thesis, written from his jailhouse cell years before he gained absolute power in1933, unleashing a reign of terror on Germany and its neighbors, though millions in the Father Land did love him fanatically so — right to their early grave in many instances.

“Yes, Mr. president, I believe I skimmed through some of it during my college days.”

“Skimmed through It! The man was a fucking genius, you moron. Alright damn it. Enough talk. Let’s have some lunch, and then we can get a nice, very pretty picture of the two of us smiling in perfect harmony.”

“One more thing, though, old boy. When you get back to Washington, I want you to tell old turtle face McConnell and that pip-squeak Senator from South Caroline, “Linseed” Graham — who can’t play golf worth shit — that if they and their fellow rhino Republicans don’t get themselves in line with me, their asses will be grass and MY base will be the mother fucking lawnmower that cuts them to pieces. Just remember when I return to power — and I will — I shall absolutely create a not so very nice place for those and their loved ones who insisted on being difficult. Stress that I control the guns and the muscle in this great country. Can you please do this for me, Kev. Now, let’s eat. This air clearning, fun talk has made me ravenous, kev.

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Jim Ridgway, Jr. military writer — author of the American Civil War classic, “Apprentice Killers: The War of Lincoln and Davis.” Christmas gift, yes!

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James M. Ridgway, Jr.

Jim Ridgway, Jr. military writer — author of the American Civil War classic, “Apprentice Killers: The War of Lincoln and Davis.” Christmas gift, yes!